I am pleased to re-post this testimony, with JB’s permission. When I first saw this on the Ex-Gay Discussion Board (where I am Mrs. Moderator), I thought, please let this guy be real. I have no reason to doubt he is.
Now, I can already hear the groans out there from those who have tried and failed repeatedly to find whatever change God may desire to bring to them. I am well aware that formers come in all shapes and sizes. Same-sex temptation is a never-ending thing for some. The blessing that JB has found in having a covenant marriage may not be in the picture for you. But we can nevertheless celebrate with him and his bride. We can stand before our God and say, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” It’s our choice.
Pray for JB and all those who, like him, are on that delightful and sometimes-scary path to wholeness and lifelong marital bliss and fidelity. Does God do this for us? Absolutely! Is JB’s experience automatically guaranteed to you, if you seek it with all your heart, mind and soul? It would be naive and cruel of me to promise you that. But just knowing there is a brother out there who had come this far ought to be a blessing to us all. What might “going forth in faith” look like for you? That’s God’s grand adventure to reveal to you.
Why would God love you any less than He does JB … or me? I have a story of my own that shouts of God’s amazing grace and incredible blessing. That’s also how I know JB is real. Bless you, brother. May you inspire many.
The Story
Last night, as I gazed at my wife of almost two months, I swear I felt almost normal. When we were preparing for marriage, I thought, how am I going to pull this one off? Now don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, always have. But SSA has always kept me from her.
Now one thing I have going in my favor is she knows about my past. Never underestimate the way this will empower your relationship. Also, if you choose to hide this from the woman you love, do not underestimate the power this will have to destroy your relationship.
I met my wife almost 12 years ago. We were engaged and almost married, but I had not at that time disclosed my attraction to men to her, and we were fighting more often than not. I think I was looking for a way out. And never let homosexuality fool you into thinking that it is anything more than an easy way out.
To make matters worse, because of my past sins, I had contracted HIV and expected death to come at any time. So, I pushed her away at any opportunity. HIV, for me, was simply one more sign from God that I was unworthy of the life I had always dreamed of. You know, the wife, two kids, house. When I was diagnosed with HIV, they said in a matter-of-fact tone, “You have five years to live, tops.”
Well — God in all his wisdom — here I am, over 20 years later, still asymptomatic, undetectable viral load, and — praise God — a beautiful wife. We pray that we can push our luck and God will bless us with children.
But back to the story…
Well, in 2001, my fiancée and I had broken up for what I thought was the last time. I went back into the gay lifestyle. Moved in with a guy, did the civil union thing in Vermont. The whole nine yards. I guess I was trying to make homosexuality as close to normal as I could.
FAIL!! That ended in a big way, and I was on my own. I determined I would not go back to an actively gay lifestyle. But I was not ready to go back to Christ.
I tried the ex-gay route, without God. If you can make this work on your own steam, my hat is off to you. I could not. For me, without God, there was no reason not to be gay. Without God, I am just another primate in the world, with no reason not to pursue the lusts of the world.
I began to have a yearning in my heart for Christ, and the only person I knew whose faith in God I trusted was my ex-fiancée. So I e-mailed her … a few times. She agreed to talk as friends, and that was all that I at the time hoped for. We have always been great friends. She is stubborn as hell, and I am stubborn as hell. She, to sound corny, challenges me and completes me.
We were married September 6 of this year, after over a decade of dancing around the subject. When we were talking marriage, I had so many fears. Would I be a good husband? Would I be able to … perform? Would I be everything she needed me to be?
Well, brothers, I can tell you this. Go forth BOLDLY in faith of God. Believe it or not. When you find the woman you love and the process begins, you will be as scared as hell. She will be preparing and fussing over every detail imaginable, and you will be oblivious.
When the big day arrives and her daddy hands her off to you, your heart will melt. When you see her in that dress — and I SWEAR this is true, there is something mystical about a wedding dress on the woman you love — you WILL get a lump in your throat. When you repeat the words that the preacher says to you, to her … you WILL feel a change inside you. At the reception, when your best man gives a toast and you join the best club in the world, my friend — the “Husband Club” — you will fell emboldened.
Now, believe it or not, even though we had been together on and off for over a decade, we had never had sex. If you are faithful to God, he will be faithful to you. Now, Mr. Moderator, I will not be graphic here, but when the reception is over and the dancing is through, it will just be the five of you in the room — you, your wife, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And if you don’t think that they aren’t in the room cheering you on, you are WRONG.
I know. I was there. And when you lie down with the woman you love, and in the covenant of marriage, NO OTHER SEX YOU HAVE EVER HAD COMPARES! No guy you have met in a stinky, smelling-of-beer bar or in a dimly lit park or anywhere else can touch this, my friend.
In the “OLD FLESH” you were nothing more than a primate, doing what primates do. Once you say you do and she says she does, you enter into a covenant, not only with her, but with God as well. And no matter what your track record with covenants may be, his is SPOTLESS!!
HE will make you BOLD! I know. He does it in my life every day (well, not every day as I work full time, I am 40 and I am tired). GO boldly in faith, my brothers. Keep this covenant.
Now, you will be tempted. The enemy will make feeble attempts to trap you. But, all you have to do is abide in your covenant. Love, Honor, Cherish HER, and HER ALONE. And the times of trial will end. Trials will end and you will feel victorious for having kept faithful. If you give in, the time of trial will also end, and you will be there with your shame. Your choice. It always has been.
Pray for us, and our hope of a child.
Please be hopeful, be faithful, do not wait. Go forth in faith, knowing that the good work God has begun in you, he will be faithful to complete.
Faithfully in Him,
JB